How is it that every single time I’m with you I just get scared. I don’t want to be too close because I’m scared it will end up like the last time.
"I’m different" you say. But that doesn’t mean anything to ME.
Perhaps I’m just damn sick and tired of dating (or at least trying to) because all I remember was how he made me felt. I can’t shake off that damn feeling of being so incompetent in his eyes, being so insecure and whiney. Which I absolutely fucking detest myself to be like that.
Sure, you don’t ever think of me that way, but I can’t help but think of myself that way.
I’m finally confident to take on this world by myself and I don’t want to step back into that hell hole again. I don’t want to feel tied down by anyone. I want to be myself.
'You should dress up more. I know you can be those dainty girls if you want to. Keep your hair longer you'll look prettier than you already are.' How come all these feel like a fucking burden to my ears when they wouldn't have been last time?
"I’m not going to change for you, you know right? I like how I am now and I just hate wearing heels and having extremely long hair which I have to wash after trainings." Sure it sounds like an asshole but I meant it. I really do. I refuse to change for you, for anyone else for that matter.
I’m just annoyed at this whole situation.
I know I told you on thursday that I feel blessed to have you. I do and I meant it. But sometimes I think about all the negative feelings that come along with it simply because of my past relationship then I just think… this isn’t worth it. This isn’t what I want. I rather not have the happy blessed feeling coming at 30-40% and having negative thoughts and feelings of 70-60%. I rather have 100% at ease and be self contented and grateful.
I have so much issues with myself and I just… don’t need this I guess.