Somehow really like this photo of me because I look damn happy and cheerful and healthy and contented.
I think one of the worst pains when you’re single and trying to win someone over comes at the moment when you realize they’re not interested in you.
At that point it becomes a myriad of thoughts ranging from why aren’t I good enough to love is a bitch. Your self-esteem falls off the edge and you’re caught swimming in a pool of depression. All you can think about is love and every time you hear the word it reaches at your heart and wrenches every warm emotion out of it.
But that’s stupid. I mean, how can you relate your self-worth on someone else’s subjective opinion of you? If that’s what your self-esteem is made of, then I suggest you rethink yourself.
But there’s still that pain over losing someone you wanted. Where does it come from? It’s got to be love right? It’s got to be, especially if you feel that physical pain in your chest. Your heart’s about to cave in, your eyes well up and you’re you caught in a lonely sad place.
But it’s not love. I’m sorry, but it can’t be. Love is something built between two people over a period of time. You saw her, but you didn’t fall in love with her. That pain comes from you overvaluing something that you imagined to be possible. The pain I’m talking about makes you numb. It doesn’t allow you to eat or sleep or be happy.
I don’t mean to burst your bubble but I just wanted to share with y’all something I learned during my last relationship. Love is a beautiful thing but so many people don’t see it when they’ve got it. Love is fighting for someone else’s happiness even if that happiness doesn’t include you. It’s not about going on cute ass dates at Signal Hill or buying hella gifts. It the struggle that you endure when situations get rough. It’s letting go when it’s time. It’s knowing that in the end, you cry not because you’re sad, but because you’re glad it happened in the first place.
I was in love. I see it now.
Might go back to old school blogging… aka writing in a diary. HAHA. Just feel like writing down stuff and seeing how I grew.
Here’s a photo of me that I find really nice taken by my best friend.
Oh wow, now everybody suddenly so interested in my life and is reading my blog *awkward waves* HI EVERYONE. I FEEL DAMN BLOODY EXPOSED AND I THINK I SHOULD SHUT THIS BLOG NOW.
THANKS AH.
1. Make a playlist of all your favorite songs, old ones you may have totally forgotten about from middle school or ones that bring back good memories.
2. Take a walk outside. I find I only start to feel worse and wallow if I let myself melt into my bed and engage in the bad feelings.
3. Organize your drawers or closet. It feels good to be productive when you feel like a worthless idiot on the inside. You can look at your clean clothes and feel like a human again.
4. Eat something decadent. Make an ice cream sundae or smores. They’re not just for camping!
5. Go through your phone and delete anyone you no longer talk to or anyone who sucks and makes your life worse.
6. Draw. I have a stack of paper and some colored pencils for just such an occasion. It’s relaxing and fun and won’t stress you out.
7. Call your best friend. No one talks on the phone anymore. I hate it. Let’s all talk in voices!
8. Get some sparkly temporary tattoos and give yourself the weirdest tramp stamp ever. Or decorate your whole arm. Whatever. You know you loved it as a kid.
9. Re-read your favorite book. Highlight the passages that make you love it so much so you’ll never forget them.
10. Start watching “The Wire” or “Arrested Development,” whichever is more your speed at the moment. Indulge in some quality programming to remind yourself life is worth living and people still make good stuff.
11. Read everything you can find about your favorite sports team. If you’re not already, become an expert on the team’s history, statistics and players. It’ll take your mind off you for a while.
12. Go volunteer with animals in some way. Being around cuties and fluffies will brighten your mood, and so will helping those in need.
13. Write someone else a really nice email. Just an out-of-the-blue “thanks for being so great!” email. Why not?
14. Do some yoga poses. You can look them up online if you don’t know any. Try holding them and breathing slowly.
15. Go on Youtube and watch all the “fail” videos you can find. Be grateful you are not that person. Being you isn’t so bad!
16. Light some candles, turn off the lights and meditate for as long as you can hold it.
17. Or do the same and touch yourself. Have a little solo romance, among candles. Are you trying to seduce you?
18. Look up some family genealogy stuff on the internet. Did you know your great-great-great uncle owned a department store in Russia? Now you do! And hey, your ancestors probably had it a lot worse. Since you know, no plumbing and iPhones and stuff.
19. Futz around with your hair. Add some color or see what it would look like curly or in a beehive.
20. Do your make up. Make it look crazy or much thicker than you’d normally wear it. What would you look like as Amy Winehouse or Ke$ha? You’re in the comfort of your own home. Why not see?
21. Eat fruit. Fruit has sugars that can lift your mood. Go for the pineapple and blueberries. Or make yourself a smoothie.
22. If you have a journal, go back and read old entries. Remember all that stuff you cared about a year ago that now doesn’t matter?
23. Smile. Even if you don’t feel like it, sometimes moving the muscles in our face activates chemicals in our brains to lift our moods. Smiling when you don’t want to can actually help you feel better.
Mixture
I want school to start so I can start focusing and having a new goal to work towards, and to keep my mind off stuff… I think it’s damn hard but… since you want to aim, might as well aim higher right?
First class honours let’s go. Ahahahahha.
But at the same time, I don’t want school to start because… I’m afraid I’ll neglect all the people I love cause I know once I’m in the zone I get so focused on it that I ignore everything and everyone else. The 2 years of JC showed me that and even though I really tried my best to be there for them… things don’t always work out. Rejected and postcodes a million ‘sorry I’ve got to study, another time?’ Even I grew weary.. trying my best to reestablish relationships and strengthen ties right now.
//LOL drafted this quite some time ago
angst
Fuck me for thinking I’m better looking than before and I deserve to love someone, I don’t. I am and always will be ugly. That overweight 60++kg girl will always, always be there in front of the mirror. And honestly, is it a crime to be sad? I’m sad because the guy I like will never feel the same way about me. I don’t need pity or anything. I just need to be left alone and to cry it out and be strong again.
I am allowing myself to be inferior? Cause only I have the rights to do so? Well, screw you. Maybe I do because have you ever tried being called ugly and fat and having people despise you? Try it before you come talk to me. I honestly have had enough with life and I just want to die alone (and be revive when I feel better).
Fuck life, seriously.
Stop insisting on clearing your head — clear your fucking heart instead.
Source: Charles Bukowski, from Selected Letters Vol. 4 (via v-anderlylecrybabygeek)
(Source: violentwavesofemotion)
1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
Everyone’s just looking for a glorious way to die. So am I.
I have no idea what is wrong with my body. Feeling like death is approaching me soon (duh exaggeration). I feel like crap everyday and my chest and stomach hurts like crazy. Those random and sudden pain in the chest scares the fuck out of me. Every time I get a shortness of breath I am terrified that I’m going to die cause of cardiac arrest. Despite everything, I’m still trying my best to go hardcore on exercising even though it hurts. I guess, I’m just trying to find a glorious excuse to die if I ever do.
Haven’t been sleeping well and my body is stressed out, for I don’t know what reason. It’s crazy because I have absolutely no stress now. I got into my dream school and course and I have enough money to spend. But I feel so lethargic all the time, people comment that my face is pale and I lost a couple of short size… (This is good please). I have a shitty ass appetite and I can’t finish all my food.
Been to the doctor and they said it was probably a muscle strain… Had sudden jabs in the chest/stomach the other night and it was probably gastric problems. Maybe an ucler, I don’t know.
All I know is that I feel like death is approaching and I’m doing nothing about it. I feel so jaded with life and I’ve lost all faith in everything. This isn’t a one time thing… I guess it’s been like that since forever and suddenly things just snapped.
But I’m grateful it snapped now so I have time to like balance out myself before university starts so that no one takes me for a weirdo. HAHA. Every June is like a detoxification period of me without fail. Like the month for me to go into hiding and to rediscover myself and be truly happy once again.
I fucking hate it when you’re in such a fantastically giddy mood and then you see one simple little thing that makes you think, “oh” and then you just get this empty feeling in your chest and you get nauseous and the world just crumbles and you want to just lay under a blanket and close your eyes and fall asleep and never wake up.
Hello! The 10km was good! Completed it a minutes slower than my last 10k, but I am damn proud of myself because I haven’t been training like the last time! :D Running was awesome and I really really just love it.
I love the adrenaline rush, the part whereby you want to give up but your brain goes like ‘WHAT IF SIYING SEES ME!’ and you start pushing, and when you overtake people one by one like a gun shooting its target and also when you sprint across the finishing line and also the throbbing but happy pain you feel in your calves. It’s the bomb! I feel like I can take on the world now and I am truly happy <:
*kissy kiss*
Sweetest boy just called me after seeing my text
and promised to bring me out to see sharks on Monday <3
Thank you for telling me about how you nearly threw the grenade wrongly and might not have been alive to call me. So blessed that I’m being doted on.
